I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
