You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
