I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
