I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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