And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
