you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
