we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
