What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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