The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
