Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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