So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
