PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
