I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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