We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
