I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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