I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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