it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
