I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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