Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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