yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am midnight drunk by noon
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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