No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
