The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
pop tarts are not kleenex
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
