I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
