no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
