Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
