Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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