Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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