i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
