Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
