Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
