the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
