I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
