I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
