I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The beers last night were like the tears from god
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
