Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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