apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
