We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
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You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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