So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
