Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
