you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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