Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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