I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
