He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
