It's like God shit irony all over that family
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
