I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
