Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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