My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Randomize
