I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
