it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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