Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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