I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
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And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize