I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
