Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
