its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
