I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
