k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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