I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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