a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
