Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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