Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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