Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
