lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
