he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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