Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
